Harry Potter Commentary
by Jonquil Gemstone
Summary: I can't upload the books with comments...so here is my commentary without any context whatsoever! I watched the original movies as a child, but this is my first time reading the books. I started doing so because of some other fanfictions I'm writing. Enjoy! (Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series)
1. 1 Chapter 1

**This first chapter is just what I sent in my friends' group text. It started out like this, and I decided to include you in my "conversation"…especially since I shouldn't keep blowing up my friends' phones ;P. Essentially, this is a look into my most casual mind, and my prominent thoughts as I read a book for the first time, despite having watched the original eight movies years ago.**

 **Don't expect context. Just know that I'm reading** _ **Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone**_ **.**

 **Feel free to comment, just like my physical-world friends were allowed to do!**

 **Italicized and on the righthand margin = friends commenting (or, in your case, reviewing) on my commentary**

Btw, I've begun reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, since I've been incorporating HP into fanfictions. Would any of you like my commentaries as I, who watched the movies as a child, read the book?

Petunia was blonde?!

Mr. Dursley going about his day was funny.

I lowkey ship McGonagall and Dumbledore here.

Hagrid is a cinnamon roll.

R.I.P. Harry's childhood.

Flying motorcycle dream T-T

A VCR XD. Cutting edge at the time.

Should've made Mrs. Figg important XD.

Lol, little does Harry know…

"MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!"

To think Rowling went from this charming material to "The Deathly Hallows" and "The Cursed Child".

Oh my goodness…the snake said "amigo" XD

MRS. FIIIIIIGG!

My new favorite character in the whole Potterverse XD XD XD

Savage Harry is best Harry.

 _I don't even remember Mrs. Figg_

Poor tortoise…

Oh, and Mrs. Figg is the cat lady with the cabbage-scented house. She was usually Harry's babysitter, but she broke her leg (by tripping on one of her cats) and couldn't watch him on Dudley's birthday.

Players gonna play, play, play,/And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake,/Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake,/ "Shake em off…shake em off"

I feel Hagrid's anger, to the point where I had to take a break and cool off.

Haha…Hagrid calling Hogwarts "safe" makes me smile…hah…

 _Somebody needs to take that book away from her XD_

They make gloves out of dragonhide? I demand faux material! Oh, and can we just agree the uniform sounds like what a dorky druid would wear? The winter cloak would be cool, though. By the way, I still bet it costs less than one semester of college materials.

A toothless walnut XD

Dedalus Diggle's reaction to Harry remembering him in the street was so sweet!

Quirrell *narrows eyes suspiciously*

Doris XD

Lol, Quirrell's backstory reminds me of a college student before and after an internship.

Am I the only one who flipped back a few pages to check on the required cauldron size and material?

Dragon liver actually sounds kind of delicious…

The bank warning is the bet. Someone should engrave that above their pantry.

THERE IS NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT WAS MALFOY. I love how it was a casual, civil conversation, albeit with Malfoy's supremacist ideals showing. He was all "Oh, that other kind don't even know about Hogwarts until they get their letters, can you imagine? Oh, hey, what's your surname?" Meanwhile Harry's just playing it casual and thinking he's a lot like Dudley XD.

It's hilarious how Harry was enthralled by a book about cursing and counter-cursing friends and enemies.

382 B.C. XD


	2. 1 Chapter 2

Awww, the beginning of a beautiful broship :,)

The second-cousin accountant. I want to meet her XD!

Aw, poor Ron… Scabbers *narrows eyes suspiciously*

Aw, I get you, Ron. Relatable.

I'm going to put Myles and Beckett here, too.

D'AWWWWW! My heart is bursting! Harry is the real pumpkin pasty!

I don't wanna think about Dumbledore and Grindelwald -_-.

Nicolas Flamel…the name feels important, but I don't remember exactly why…

Morgana—all I think of is Morgana from "Merlin"

Merlin!

What a lady *rolls eyes*. Lol

Brave Harry. Lucky, too.

What an unkempt wand! Did it even choose him? Hm, I wonder if it was all five of his brothers'…That would explain it 😊.

She had bucked teeth?

Hermione seems as if she's…trying to fit in. Maybe she's emphasizing her knowledge of the wizarding world in conversation as if to say "Look, I know all about you". She likely didn't fit in well in the Muggle world and is hoping she could fare better socially in the wizarding world if she just knew the right things. She also says "of course" a lot, so that could be it…

She's bossy and a bit of a know-it-all, but she's also nice…helping Neville with his toad, while everyone else just sits around and leaves him to it alone.

Haha…little does Ron know that's his future wife.

I wondered that, too. Are there wizard colleges or vocational programs? Is there an apprenticeship system? Internships? Quirrell?!

MALFOY, Crabbe, and Goyle!

Ouch.

Aw. Scabbers wasn't -all- useless, at least in this case.

Pfft, Scabbers XD

Ooh, family gossip galore. Do all wizard families know about each other?

Such a mom, Hermione.

She EVEN NOTICED THE DIRT. She is like a mother!

 _I really liked this commentary. It's really funny. Please update!_

Gladly :)!

*pauses reading and updates*


	3. 1 Chapter 3

_I have never read commentary of the books. I like it! It's also interesting to note the differences in the movies and the books. I like the books better because there ae more details to them._

I'm the same way! I think the magic of books is that, while movies present images directly to your eyes, books have to create them using only the mind.

*pauses reading to work on fanfictions*

*remembers the need for disclaimers* *decides to update commentary description*


	4. 1 Chapter 4

Aw, Ron T-T. My heart goes out to you!

I would be nervous, too. Harry, don't leave your money.

Of course, you took the sweets instead. -_-

HAGRID! :D

"Firs' years follow me!"

Aw, is his toad still gone? T-T

Four survivors…

I'm thinking of Willy Wonka's dark tunnel. Was he a wizard, too?

HAGRID IS THE BEST!

He even made sure Neville still had Trevor. Hagrid is the best boy in this whole series, and my new favorite character (sorry, Mrs. Figg)!

Why do I get a sinking feeling when McGonagall describes the House concept?

…or a debit.

"fastened under his left ear" ?

A test XD.

Why would he not listen to her if she was whispering about spells? He should've tried listening in if he was so worried.

"I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?" After the Fat Friar blip, I actually agree a little X,).

Aunt Petunia wouldn't have let _you_ in the house, so let's not discuss this.

It sang?!

I can just picture a girl in a frilly dress singing this in a grassy field, bathed in full daylight.

Hm, hmm, hm hm, hm hmm…

Am I the only one singing along with my own tune while reading? No? Mkay.

It referred to itself as a Thinking Cap…I'm done here -_-

It bowed…What a ham.

Never trust Fred.

Queasy XD. So queasy people are Gryffindors, like Ron?

She sounds like a Hufflepuff.

I remember my brother knew a Terry…I keep replacing "Boot, Terry" with his name, except in fn ln format. *shakes head and refocuses*

Cat-calling. They'd be charged with sexual assault and their lives ruined if they tried that with some girls nowadays X,D

Millicent…Maleficent. Slytherin = Maleficent's House

Prejudice.

Sheesh, Dudley couldn't hae been _that_ strong. Take one for the team, wimps!

FREEDOM TOONS

She was so eager to find where she fits in…It's both cute and a smh moment for me.

Should've been Hufflepuff. All of them.

No, no, Harry. In cases like that, it just puts you in Gryffindor.

Neville, I can see as a full Gryffindor. The others…I feel other traits were stronger in them. HUFFLEPUFF!

NOPE. DON'T TOUCH ME. YOU'RE A SLYTHERIN.

Weasley brothers: the first Potterheads

He wasn't wearing that before? So, it _wasn't_ from that time he tried gaining real experience…Interesting…Unless it simply…hm…

Racial equality ~

Maybe Harry unwittingly charmed Ron into Gryffindor. For all we know, Ron owes his placement to Harry's crossed fingers.

"Well done"? It's not like he made himself more Gryffindor-ey. You should thank the Hat.

Don't you still have your pockets full of sweets, Harry? Ron, too.

Translation: "You're all NITWITs! Let's put on some BLUBBER! You will experience odd torment—ODDMENT! TWEAK your stories when you tell your parents! THANK YOU for your blood sacrifices! May the odds be ever in your favor!"

"Potatoes, Harry?" The best people are mad, but potatoes smooth things over. Simple.

Vegan nightmare fuel. Yummy!

I would seriously eat peppermint almost-anything. Even humbugs (Scrooge: Bah! Humbug!)

:(

'Twas Brillig, and the slithy toads/Were all a-mimsy…

So Hermione _wasn't_ the rude one. It was Seamus *mom-glare*. Mind your manners, Seamus.

A murderer. That's what I think. That, or a coup. His family might've been slaughtered right in front of him. Or a brawl. Or some kind of other skirmish. War?

I think your gran was crying of relief you didn't die, Neville 0.0

Aw, Uncle Algie…I think he and Neville had a good relationship!

Snape!

The worst kind of teacher—one who doesn't want to teach what he teaches. Blegh. Also, one with failed dreams. Good character, bad attitude.

Oh, so now he's sane. Reverse drunkenness, reverse sugar high, or just needed food? You decide!

Did Harry ever pick at his scar? I think I would pick at it, even as a baby.

HOgwARts IS saFE. *headmaster taken seriously when listing death as a consequence*

They literally just sang a song calling themselves empty-headed idiots who'll learn until their brains rot, AND they pretty much just told the teachers they can manage their incompetence. How do I even feel about this?

The Weasley twins got it right.

Dumbledore enjoyed the twins' funeral march too much. Suspicious.

Harry will get lost trying to find the dorm. Called it now.

They need an exorcist at that school.

Neville. Poor target. He lived because Rowling needed her punching bag character alive.

"Broken dragon(s)"?

Neville won't be able to get in on his own. Calling it now.

"squashy armchairs" Ugh. That sounds gross to sit in.

Falling asleep mid-conversation. X)

Too much sugar, man. Even in fiction, that dream looks like it was sugar-induced.

*eats pastries while drinking hot cocoa gone cold and a cup of juice*

He didn't remember it. Definitely sugar-induced.

*pauses reading* Goodnight!


	5. 1 Chapter 5

_I was wondering I also think that using the mind to interpret magic is more satisfying because you are creating the world and the magic and you own it. You can make it bigger and better than in the movies. The movies are the movie makers interpretation. But it is interesting to see how they come up with making the magic understandable and believable! I find that fascinating._

*nods* I agree with you one hundred percent. The limits of the human imagination are unfathomable, but it is also intriguing to see how we can condense that boundless imagination into something we can almost reach out and touch.

 _Ugh, you've taken forever to update! I'm getting bored!_

Well, _sometimes life happens,_ okay? T-T

Sorry, I'm just very dizzy and tired right now. There must be something in Starbucks coffee—it tasted like McDonald's and made my head pound. Is this what being high is like?

Anyway, all I can think of when I see "Percy" is The Lightning Thief.

Seriously, Scabbers…bro.

I still think Harry's dream was sugar-induced…or maybe he had Starbucks, too!

Didn't remember it, so it wasn't necessarily prophetic…but did he have a hangover or upset tummy?

Anyway, review is over! On with the story.

Ron is tall? Like, freakishly tall, or…

Tall redhead versus scarred guy with glasses…is Ron actually more handsome than Harry?!

He could just ask for directions…A ton of people staring means you don't have to grab someone's attention, since you're already what they're focusing on. They're likely curious to get closer, so someone might even escort you. Take advantage of it, Harry!

What happens if you _don't_ jump that one step? XD

Oh, because _manners a_ re so hard. Poor students.

Oh, my…

What's the point of this school's design? What kind of architect was just like "Hm, I'll confuse the heck out of everyone there. Muahahaha!"…Actually, that sounds quite fun. Now I know the answer! Sign me up!

I just glanced down at the page and saw "YOUR CONK" XD

Um…what's the problem with portraits having a social life? And why does it matter to you if armor can walk? Not everyone has to hold still for your landmarking convenience, Harry! The fame is already getting the better of you, boy.

LOL, Peeves the Poltergeist is my second-favorite ghost now. I love his name, too, because he _peeves_ everyone off XD.

Who calls a nose a "conk", though XD?

Hey! Peeves is fantastic, you jerk.

Sounds like a regular, stubborn old man, if you ask me. Waah, we can't bother figuring out our way properly because we're too busy judging paintings and poltergeists, why he so mean? Man up, buddies!

Quirrell *narrows eyes suspiciously* Gaining their trust by bailing them out, I see. *cough* r/niceguy *cough*

Aw, how cute! See, he can't be that bad.

Aw, they're so much alike, it's adorable. Like owner, like pet!

LOL, he's one dedicated old man with ninja skills. _Two seconds_!

Poor Filch and Norris! No wonder they're so grumpy all the time! They need some appreciation.

Oh, _really_? I would never have _known_ there was more to something _AN ENTIRE SCHOOL_ was dedicated to teaching. _Who woulda thought, huh?_ Pansy.

Ooh, how _awful_. You have to learn useful stuff like the layout of the night sky (which can be used for navigating) and what different herbs are used for (which can be used in medicine). How will you _ever_ survive learning practical skills for both magic and survival in hands-on classes Muggle kids could only _dream of_? My heart truly goes out to you, buddy.

Do NOT call Professor Sprout a "dumpy little witch", you disrespectful student! This is what happens when kids grow up with bad authority figures. It's surprising Harry's not a rebellious punk…oh, wait…he lowkey is…

Just…be good parents, folks.

Oh, should be quite accurate, the professor being a primary resource and all.

Nevermind. He reminds me of a middle school Literacy teacher I had once.

Can we talk about how tragic it is? Binns's demise, I mean. He was so dedicated to his work—or so utterly, hopelessly programmed into it—that he left his body behind and stayed instead of getting the eternal retirement we all should have eventually. T-T A moment of silence for Binns.

Pfft…*whispers* Recycle Binns. He's essentially a reduced, reused, and recycled human being.

Emerich the Oddball and Uric the Evil. Maybe they _were_ that way in person, but historians decided to flip the names for the assonance. Maybe Binns was right all along…Or maybe he's just a Union member.

How _charming_ Flitwick is! Haha

Seriously, though, _so cute!_ :D

"You have been warned" *glowers menacingly over a black cape*

Seriously, though, sounds reasonable. I mean, _transfiguration_. You're literally going to be messing with the natural form of things, and…BURN THE WITCHES!

The page flipped back in my lap, the phrase "YOUR CONK" caught my attention again. It's in all caps, and it happens to begin a new line XD

She warns them…then does some showboating. Wow XD.

There should be a "they" between "but" and "soon"…but then there'd be too many "they"s there.

I thought it meant "a match" as in a partner. I was soon corrected.

See? Get it freakin' done, and the teacher will give you a smile. Is this not reasonable?

*sigh* Quirrell…*smh*

Dracula? Maybe not, but what if he moved to Transylvania to look for Quirrell? Wait…What if the vampire is trying to _hide from Quirrell_? The college intern needs more confidence!

It probably did happen…unless it didn't.

Putrid flesh, perhaps? Voldemort has morning breath? What is it?

Oh, because Ron definitely couldn't have learned from his older siblings. My older brother shared almost all his knowledge with me—I even sat down and pretended to do homework with him when he was in school before me! Siblings these days should really be more connected like that, dontcha think?

Haha…Ron is already like Harry's personal secretary. *deepens voice* "What's my schedule look like today, Bianca?" XD

Biased teachers…bleh.

Harry? You w _ish_ your house head was as corrupted as Snape allegedly is? *bonks lightly on the head* No special treatment! (I'm a purist about my grades)

Ugh, homework. _That,_ you can complain about. We have other classes, you know! Some nerds like me might even research and pursue their own interests outside of classwork! *smh and make some tea*


	6. 1 Chapter 6

*Winds Up Eating An Apple And Returning With Another Apple, 2 Servings Of Tea, And Some Homemade jello mashy stuff*

There's no room on my desk T-T

*moves useful desk junk over to useless bed junk*

*pours hot tea into pre-honeyed cup, melts a bit of lemon jelly from the mash into it, and brings it to desk*

Where was I? Oh, yes…Blah, blah, blah, Quirrell's class was a joke, Harry's glad everyone else is oblivious as he is, "Friday was an important day for Harry and Ron"…

Well, duh.

Harry wants corruption, yatta yatta…

Hedwig! Here we are…

Ah, so it only took, what? A week?

"Send us an answer". US?!

Text talk: wizarding style

Lol, Snape. Venting his—what was the term? Incel? Yeah—his incel—Misty, kitty, I'm working now. Yes, it's important. No, you can't have tea. Stop nuzzling the book, please. Alright, you can crowd into my rttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt12tttttttttttttt gf

chair…No, no5

*sigh*

XD

Of course, the book flipped to the page introducing Mrs. Norris after my own kitty climbed onto the desk with it XD.

Pfft, low budget delivered to the Potions program, eh? A class…in a dungeon. Wait…FILCH was going to lock them in a dungeon. Was he really just taking them to Snape XD? Nah, he was just grouchy.

" _celebrity_ " I love the voice I pictured for that XD. Anyway, no autographs, please. He's not exactly an entitled brat—he's on;y famous because everything was taken from him and he survived by some miracle.

Drake, Crabcake and Gargoyle: the original mean girls :P

Black, like my soul XP

Reading these words alone, one would think Snape actually had some sort of _passion_ for potions.

That being said, he's a boss for calling his students "dunderheads" XD.

Well…in Hermione's defense, that speech was pretty captivating. Motivational, too. His deadpan delivery, though…hm. Patronizing. Hmph.

It's literally HIS FIRST DAY. If he knew anything, he wouldn't be in your class. Pathetic incel teacher.

*rolls eyes* Could the dunderhead trio possibly know, either?

Who do you relate to most here? Hermione, who knows but doesn't get called; Ron, who's sympathetic but glad it's not him; Draco and his squad, who are laughing with sadistic pleasure; or Harry, who probably looked back at this and wondered why he couldn't get his invisibility cloak sooner.

Who was Seamus, again? All I can think of is Freedom Toons.

 _Romeo and Juliet_

Keep a pet goat with you at all times, in case you need to rip a miracle-stone form its stomach. Understood.

Yeesh. I can picture him firing all that off, and I doubt he was willing to repeat any of it.

I'm surprised he never deducted points for Hermione standing up.

?

By that logic, Snape, _you_ should be punished for not warning your student. That's another point you've lost _from your payroll_. *nods decisively*

You mean he wasn't nasty before?

No wonder the class is in a dungeon.

Anyway, this reminds me of a mishap in chemistry when I was making up for a missed lab…bad memories…*shudders* At least my teacher was nicer.

Should've asked when Harry sent the response. Then, he could have let Hagrid know ahead of time he wanted to bring a plus one.

Ugh, this apple is too sweet. I prefer more tart apples.

Galoshes…I remember a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode with galoshes in it, so I imagine Goofy saying galoshes whenever I see or hear the word.

*continues eating apple*

Reminds me of a young Great Dane my family had. *sigh* I miss her. Anyway, now I just picture her in place of Fang XD

Aw, so cute…Fang is way more affectionate to strangers, so now I picture him again XD. He still has too graceful a face in my mind's eye…oh, well :P

Rock cakes? What are rock cakes? Are they delicious? Are they even edible? What are they?!

The freckles were the giveaway XD

What the heck? Fred and George! XP You silly billies!

Half his life? Hagrid must be younger than I thought…How old is Hagrid?

Oh, so _that's_ what they are…So, British food? Haha, jk

Misty, are you okay? Poor kitty must've had a nightmare…okay, back now.

Ooh, jerky! Spicy—hah hah…Thanks, brother ^^! Look at this book I got today! Okay, back for real now.

*COUGH COUGH* Still spicy…*swallows jello*

Oh, you want jerky, kitty? Here you go. Aw, so cu—wait…O_O

Huh…the cat liked it.

"that old git" XD

So much hate on one man XD

…or maybe you just smell like ham and pheasants. :P

"Because rejection is hard, and so is death. Basically, not only does he resent you being alive, but he also probably wishes you were never born as a Potter. He might've been fine with you if you were a Snape, though." ~Things Hagrid probably would've felt like saying, but he never did say

"Grubby little package" Dude. If that package got a vault all to itself, Hagrid wouldn't say what it is, and he kept the article, then maybe—just maybe—there was more to it than met the eye.

Yes, not of your concern, and yes.

Aw, that's family: admitting you hate someone else more than you hate him 3

Muggles in helicopters XD

So…it's like the Pokemon of the wizarding world?

Grandma knows best ^^;

…But does he share? If yes, then he can't be _that_ bad. If not, then he's that much worse.

See, Snape? You could learn a thing or two from McGonagall's alertness.

Mhm…That's what they all say.

She should have deducted a point from Slytherin.

Fred, George, Hagrid, are you there?

Hooch. Hooch. Sounds like an owl. Why do I keep thinking "Hoochy"? There's no "y" there.

Hawk, owl—close enough.

She bark. Hawkeye Hoochy barks.

Twigs…would that be effective for sweeping? Don't brooms usually have hairs?

They're school brooms. Did you expect top-notch equipment?

Haha. Big mouth yields bigger embarrassment.

Did they sign waivers for this class? If not, maybe that's part of why Hooch's face was white XD.

Hang on…Neville survived a twenty-foot fall with nothing but a broken wrist! Good for you, Neville! Maybe you are lucky, after all XD

Parvati Patil…sounds like a future big-name fashion designer. He'd deserve the success, for standing up for Neville :) Who are you wearing? Parvati Patil.

Ooh, big talk from someone named Pansy.

The fangirls and the homeboy! Woot, woot!

Boom. Savage Harry has finally returned!

Bullies. Cowardly, but dastardly and somewhat clever.

Aw, McGonagall was worried! 3 So motherly.

It's a good thing you said nothing. Speaking up against an authority often makes bad situations worse when you're in the doghouse.

A cane XD XD XD

Burly…*pictures some neckless, cartoonishly beefy character* *snickers*

Rude words…Oh, Peeves XD

This reminds me of when I was called to the vice principal's office once, except I did nothing I could remember and it was just some news I'd gotten about a reward. I was a bit worried, though, because I did interact with someone who may have wished me ill.

Lol, not even McGonagall could resist sports rivalries XD

The placement of "you're joking" was so perfect—it was Ron, but it could also have been Harry's reaction XD

Kidney pie…that actually sounds good. Would kidney taste a bit like liver?

What kind of pie? Kidney pie?

Oh, here comes trouble ;P. So much for keeping it a secret, right?

Oh, nevermind. They're in on it.

Lee Jordan…basketball player, like Michael Jordan. *hoping I got that right, but still thinking L.J. sounds like a basketball player*

Smarmy? Gregory the Smarmy…I don't recall what "smarmy" means, but I imagine the statue smirking.

Savage Harry. Favorite Harry.

She has a point, but at least _they'd_ be the ones everyone hates, as well as the ones to get in trouble. By acknowledging she knows of this, she is making herself accessory to their offenses; therefore, she could also be subjected to punishment and lose the house even more points if they get caught.

So…magic is dodgeable? I get that a wand channels it so it is concentrated enough to have physical effects, but is it actually like a physical object flung at someone, rather than emotionally/mentally connected or locked on to a target?

What if Malfoy's plan is to not show up, thus ensuring Harry and Ron get caught wandering around after lights-out? Chances are, any accusations to Malfoy on their part would be ignored.

Actually, telling Percy would have been the responsible thing to do, if not the socially acceptable course of action. Then again, neither is pulling a strict-mother move on the two.

Pink bathrobe. Cute! I've been thinking of getting a new bathrobe…what color should it be?

Why do I imagine Hermione's the kind who just looks cute when she frowns XD. Maybe it's because people think I look cute when I frown, and I kind of relate to Hermione.

Hermione…why would you follow them out? *smh*

They _will_ get caught if you keep making all that racket.

She's trying to be damage control, but it really just seems like she's throwing them under the bus XD

Harry...Hermione was about to explain to Ron how to get revenge on herself and Neville. Honestly, Hermione is an impulsive lecturer XP XD

Imagine a horror film nursery rhyme when Filch and Norris—hang on…Norris…CHUCK NORRIS. Did Filch name his cat Mrs. Norris because of Chuck Norris?! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD

I knew it. You have the evidence here. I guessed it before Hermione!

By the way, I got worried when it mentioned stitches on Hermione's chest, but I figure it means clothing stitches.

"Naughty, naughty, you'll get caughty," I think I'll use that.

Why would you do that, Ron?! Buffoon.

One Mississippi…two Mississippi…

Oh, Peeves XD

So, Hermione was useful after all. She truly is a musketeer at heart!

Cerberus

Hm, they should get Hagrid to brush Fluffly's teeth.

Are you sure about that, Harry? Think carefully, now.

"or worse, expelled" Hm, would life without Hogwarts really be worse than death? Must be an extremely dedicated student…but aren't there other wizarding schools to attend, if Hogwarts doesn't work out? You could also threaten to expose Fluffy in order to get help from Dumbledore, if you're into the risk of blackmailing powerful wizards.

Way to go, Hermione. Your impulsive teaching is now going to lead to _more_ trouble for Gryffindor. Is God answering Harry's previous questions about the "grubby little package" through Hermione? Interesting…In the grand scheme of things, it's necessary he find out, but in that isolated scenario, given their perspective, it was foolish of Hermione to say anything about the trap door if she wanted them to stop making trouble for Gryffindor.

Is this how the twins got started? They had a scare, and now they're hungry for more.

Both.

Wouldn't Neville have just been a liability if he did, by some broken trick of his mind, have some interest?

But Hermione is the only one knowledgeable enough to achieve what you wish.

For once, she's making a wise decision. If she spoke to them, she would only give them ideas.

NOT THE BACON! I don't care what the package was, but did Rowling have to kill off THE BACON? She always kills the best characters!

*gets more jerky, plus some thicker jerky* OH MY GOODNESS, this is heavenly! Is this the buffalo he talked about? Maybe the venison? I don't recall either flavor, but this has to be one of those! *savors the jerky*

Sorry to any vegetarians or vegans out there. I just have to share this experience with the world! *savors some more*


	7. 1 Chapter 7

Just say it aloud, why don't you? *sigh* Ron…

What is it with this kleptomaniac?

Haha, this scene was so satisfying. *smirk* I can see Malfoy's face. Priceless!

Oh, come on, Hermione. He was saving Neville's Remembrall from a prick. At least give credit where it's due.

This jerky would make a decent bookmark…If I was an uncultured heathen.

That can't be good for the stomach (the bolting food down, not the jerky)

Ooooooh

Haha…basketball. Muggle Quidditch.

So, that's what the Bludgers and Beaters are for...Cool.

I assume Hogwarts at least has top-notch Beaters, then. Remember Mickey G lamenting the team?

Haha, best description of the Weasley twins ever given by anyone, fictional or otherwise.

Woah. That is one crazily dedicated fanbase, to watch the same game go one for months on end. Imagine the players' dedication, too! Insane.

So, to recap: One Quaffle, three Chasers, and a Keeper; two Bludgers and two Beaters; a Snitch and a Seeker. Got it. Understood.

ENGLAAAANND! So, the wizards kept their countries' names, despite essentially living in a different world. Patriotic of them.

Aw, how sweet! He's even taking an interest in classes! 3 Our little boy has grown up so much, so quickly. Maybe it isn't too late for him to have a real childhood…*remembers his future for the next few years* T-T

Flying toad! Weeee~!

Pfft, I can picture Hermione and Ron telling their children about how their relationship started out XD How romantic!~

I remember seeing this in the movie several times. When I got my first cat, I would say this while petting him, and his tail made would swish, then flick as I said it. He's dead now…just like ALL THE BEST CHARACTERS IN THIS SERIES.

Wh—what was Baruffio trying to do, to begin with?

The main correction was on the GAR instead of the O? The movie lied to us!

That's what happens when you don't want to admit the know-it-all actually does know a lot.

…This is why we don't gossip. *mutters* Jerk.

It must feel bad for a guy to make a girl cry.

I think they have a bat infestation. How unsanitary! Just imagine all the guano they must produce…

I love how he just goes up to Dumbledore and goes "thought you ought to know" before fainting XD. It's as if he's trying to keep his cool or something.

*narrows eyes suspiciously*

TELL FREAKIN' PERCY ABOUT IT. He's the prefect—it is responsibility to find out and do something. Idiots.

WHY WOULD IT BE A BAD THING FOR PERCY TO KNOW? , . Even if the solution is sending you, you wouldn't be leaving yourselves in a position where no one knows your whereabouts. Chances are, he'd send for a teacher, who is better equipped to navigate quickly via secret passages and protect Hermione.

IDIOTS.

FOCUS.

I…I can't take it seriously. If it's meant to be scary, do not compare its head to a coconut X)

IDIOTS! They were literally headed there to begin with! They forgot their objective in the heat of the moment.

Why was the troll entering the bathroom to begin with? Are trolls malignant enough to actively seek victims, or was it just curious when it heard Hermione in there? It was probably just curious.

Anyhow, Ron must be feeling like the ultimate dirtbag. First, he depressed her, and now he locked her in the bathroom with a troll XD

This is like something from a sitcom.

Why? Was it remodeling, like "Nope. Nope. Ew, these sinks are atrocious. This bathroom needs a full-on makeover, honey. Oh, and don't get me started on your hair. Let me fix that for you."

"Huh? Who threw that? Oh, no no no, you did NOT just sneak into here to scratch that wall, did you? THAT'S IT, IMMA BEAT YOU UP, YOU LITTLE VANDAL!"

"Oh, who you callin' pea-brain? You the one who made this little dumplin' cry? THAT'S IT, IMMA BEAT _YOU_ UP, YOU BULLY!"

Poor girl is petrified.

"Ugh! Now y'all are tryin' to drag this little girl away? THAT'S IT, NO MORE NICE TROLL! IMMA START WITH YOU, GINGER!"

Why not the eye, _baka_?

"OH MA GOSH, YOU TRYNA STAB M' BRAINS OUT, BOY? Oooh, this is what the chivalrous hafta deal with. IMMA GET YOU GOOD, YOU LITTLE PSYCHOPATH!"

Yeah…he totally meant to do that. *rolls eyes* Good job, though, Ron. Harry, that was very brave of you. You both win the Doofus of the Year Award for your ability to get everyone out of your mess alive. Hermione…you win Damsel of the Year, for having skin like paper and unwittingly guilting the dummies into saving you.

Trolls are intelligent enough to wield clubs and wear clothing, yet they're still called stupid.

Woah. If those boys are happy she took the hit for them, they should be ashamed. A secret five points to Gryffindor for her selflessness, and a secret ten deducted for them failing to tell anyone Hermione's whereabouts…and for locking the troll in the bathroom with her. So, McGonagall's tally is still accurate.

Nevermind. She ultimately added five points, while I secretly will not reward them. Well…maybe five points for placing their classmate's safety above their own. Net effect: zero points to Gryffindor.

Huh…What a way to start a friendship, eh? Beautiful, each one stupid in their own unique ways.

Just like each and every one of us 3

How many moles had to die for Hagrid's overcoat?

Of course, it was against Slytherin. The MC is in Gryffindor, after all!

How sweet! See, having a bookworm as a friend has its perks!

"seven hundred ways of committing a…" why did my mind fill in "murder" instead of "Quidditch foul"? Too much thinking about _Heirs of Mystery_.

Why the Sahara Desert, specifically?

He probably knew they were breaking _a_ rule, so he used that made-up rule to punish them. Why is this incel such an admirable boss sometimes T-T

Ouch, Ron. That was uncalled for. Sure, he's a jerk, but should you really wishpain on him for that?

Hermione is a good tutor…and still much like a mother 3

Did they not wonder why Filch would be in on it if Snape was actually doing something bad? Or why he would be talking about it in the staff room, where any staff member could just waltz in while he's talking and tending his leg?

Hermione's a bit naïve, but I don't think we should jump to conclusions. The obvious course of action would be to tell either Hagrid or Dumbledore about it—they're the only two people who definitely have knowledge of and access to the "package". If Snape was near the dog without authorization, either of them could investigate.

You mean "Oh, shortbread, the student saw!" That could be either someone doing something shady or someone acting on Dumbledore's orders, given the package is obviously a top-secret thing reserved for senior staff members to know about.

Momione is Bestmione.

Dean the West Ham fan? Wha?

"Potter for President" If anyone named Potter runs for president, he or she should replicate this banner for the campaign.

"Scarlet letter on your name / I know I should be ashamed, / but I gotta one-up you baby." *points at Snape* "Ain't the only one actin' shady!"

Christmas colors! ^^

Can I just mention how I love Wood's name? Wood. It just sounds so cool, like a sheriff. Oh, great, now I'm thinking of Sheriff Woody. Anyway, Wood is still a cool name.

Feminism: wizarding edition

Very motivational. Much pep. So wow.

Ugh, I just used an old meme. I feel so outdated. Someday, kids will read this and cringe…or just stare obliviously at the page…*curls up in a corner, contemplating the mind-numbing passage of time*

Oh, wow, more than halfway through!


	8. 1 Chapter 8

What's this? Reviews I didn't see? Let me fix that right now!

 _Oh my gosh, this is so funny and almost exactly my reactions when I read the books! It must be kinda weird reading through and being like "THE MOVIES LEFT THAT OUT?" like Hermione's teeth (as you mentioned), and other things that have to do with spoilers (hehehe)_

Haha, my kindred spirit! High five!

 _yay fun_

I was hoping others would find it fun! I also like to go back and reread my own commentary, since I barely think before putting them all down and posting (the goal is a spur-of-the-moment record of thoughts, after all).

 _The books allow me to create the wizarding world in my mind and make it my the movies are someone elses interpretation.I iike my interpretation better because it is more brilliantly colored and more emotionally alive. Plus when I read the books.I can in my imagination be all the charactors and think what they think and do and feel and literally be the charactors. With the movies I can't do that. With the movies I observe the wizarding world with the books I am in the wizarding world. Can you be the charactors as I can? Are you in the wizarding world as I am. I hope that you are. Its amazing!_

There really is nothing quite like reading. I always believed reading allows one to experience and explore an entirely different world, like travelling to another universe. Sights, sounds, smells, people…all of it is better experienced as a reality than simply observed as a collection of words. Of course, it also depends on the person. Some people feel movies are more immersive than books, while some (like me) can be drawn into new worlds through just about any medium. I'm sure some people might even find video games better for becoming characters in a story. I do find I often feel as though the events are all taking place around me, as you can probably tell by how I tend to address the characters directly in the commentary. This is especially true when I am fully immersed. I do, however, tend to "break the fourth wall" sometimes, especially if I'm including others in the experience with me. Also, I usually either read books _or_ watch movies, but rarely both; this is because I usually accept one or the other's interpretation as reality relative to the universe in question. When I do both watch and read, I appreciate each as its own unique work. Overall, I delight in fiction as both an experience and an art.

 _Yay you updated! Don't misunderstand my other review I really like this still._

Oh, I was glad you wanted an update! I figured that meant you liked it ^^. To be honest, I was getting bored, too, so I'm glad you commented that. It spurred me to put everything else on hold for a bit and continue. Fun fact: The first chapter I added after your comment (the banquet one, I believe) was the only one I had sitting around. The rest were created today, as I picked up the book, opened my laptop, and started reading again.

 _I'd probably relate to Ron, sympathetic but glad it's not me._

Yay, you answered the question! :D That makes me happy. As for me, I have to say Hermione—that kind of scenario happened in some of my classes before, and I was practically jumping out of my seat every time XD.

Oh, man…I need to go shower…be right back.

This was the weekend…I was supposed to rest…but I have deadlines tomorrow night T-T An early morning the next day…*sigh*

*continues eatng gelatin* I'll just keep going until my jello and tea run out…I like this too much to have self-control for now.

Mhm, wheedled, mhm, we're gonna win or else, "Shut up, you two", myep yep…Madame Hooch refereeing…

Is it because of her hawk eyes?

Wood versus Flint: Which is more flammable?

Trollololol, lololol, o-o-o-o-oh. Yeyeyeye ye, yeyeye,yeyeye, o-o-o-OOOOH

The banner fills you with DETERMINATION.

…and a pack of dogs came running onto the field. Apparently, she accidentally brought her dog training whistle instead of her teen training whistle.

"clambered"? I thought he was a natural with a broom? Is mounting a broom really that difficult?

"We're risin' up, up up…We're risin' up, up, up (The voice of the unheard)…"

Angelina Jolie + Scott Johannson = Angelina Johnson

Quaffle = Waffle

"I'm a beautiful chaser, go straight, / (Korean)"

If calling a girl "rather attractive" was worth yelling the guy's name over, imagine her reaction to today's catcalling O.0

Of course, the Weasley twins' friend, the would-be basketball player, would make such a cheeky comment XD

How is Katie alive?!

OUUUUUU, OU OU OUUUUU (it said howls from Slytherin, right? That was my howl XP)

His hut has a view of the game?

"me hut" Why do I like this phrase so much? It strikes me as cute and funny…

Back in my day, we called snitches tattletales.

The Weasleys: financially tight, but wear gold wristwatches…during a game with a tiny golden ball. *sigh* Maybe it's a family heirloom or holds some other significance…like it's the one expensive gift the got, so he wears it all the time.

Why is it so satisfying Fred sent it to Flintstone? Ah…nevermind, now I understand.

Pucey…I don't like that name because it brings to mind pimple-popping videos, even if it's likely pronounced "pew-see". *scowls* (Abraham DeLacey Giuseppe Pucey Thomas O'Malley)

Yet, his first name…Adrian…I like it. Balance out a repulsive surname with a beautiful first name.

Ah, so Malfoy was not the Slytherin Chaser. Good. This makes sense.

Terence Higgs. Again, lovely first name, unmarriable surname. Imagine their future wives "Hello, Mrs. Pucey, Mrs. Higgs. Lovely day, isn't it?" By the way, I also think of Terence from the Disney Fairies franchise…so in my mind, Terence Higgs looks like dust-collector Terence.

Soccer? They know about soccer (a.k.a. football), but not basketball? They _are_ still Englishmen at heart!

Pfft, you were _so_ not joking, Lee XP

Mama Bear Hermione: Activated

What the heck, Flint? Why would you yabba dabba doo that?

Pfft, Quirrel XD. Let me guess: _that_ was the real moment of salvation. Headfirst XD

Because he _totally_ wouldn't notice the fire suddenly leaving his robes.

Aww, Neville! So sweet…such a precious cinnabon.

Haha, nice move, Harry XD.

Mhm, I would direct a roast comment at you, Flint, but I rated this as a K/K+

Why is Lee still announcing twenty minutes after the game? Lee XD

Who was the "Greek chappie"? Hades, Heracles…?

Why would you interrupt with a "Yes?" He was about to spill the beans before realizing it!

You children listen to Hagrid—huh? Flamel? Dang it, Hagrid—Ignore Hagrid.

I remember that name from somewhere? It showed up earlier! I knew it seemed familiar.

"Hagrid looked furious with himself" Aw, Hagrid… *pats his head* You're still best boy. Perfect sentence to end the chapter with, by the way!

"Once upon a December…"

*sigh* I love Christmas…

That's what people say it's like in Ohio, except there's no telling when it'll happen. Then the next week becomes spring, except for Winter Wednesdays.

It's impolite to aim snowballs at someone's fa—nevermind…

"I do feel so sorry," for all the starving children of the world? For those in need? For those who associate the season with crippling losses and can't seem to find a speck of hope in all the world? "(insert mean comment directed at Harry)" Well, yeesh, Draco.

Yeah, bullies will just try to grasp at whatever straws they can. It's best not to pay them any mind.

That's what I was thinking. Harry must be overjoyed to spend Christmas away from the Dursleys. He has a real home now.

How nice! They get to spend Christmas together. Harry even has people to call brothers now.

 _Fir_ a second, I thought it was a walking tree, or some sort of creature living in/wearing a tree. Disappointed, but also happy to see sweet, sweet Hagrid.

Yay, Hagrid is instilling Christmas cheer in them 3

Twelve—a Biblical number.

I can see why they would have _either_ candles _or_ icicles. McGonagall has good taste (and Flitwick, assuming he did more than just follow orders).

*gets up to stretch*Past one A.M…Still not out of tea and gelatin, though.


	9. 1 Chapter 9

_What the hell is this?_

It's a commentary ;P

 _What I am facinated by is the interpretation of magic. How Harry gets his wand and how he connects with to the wand it seems to be a way to connect to your own magic. I am a Goddes worshiping witch and I have two chakra wands which connect to my being and soul.I can connect with the universe with my wands and transmit energy,healings and blessings through them by visualizing and emotionally feeling what I want and then releasing it through my wands and knowing and feeling that the universe is accepting it. Now that is magic to me. It was amazing for me to see my wands on etsy and find them to be visualy beautiful and to feel my soul tug to the picture of them. Then the buying of them emotionally let me prepare for the ownership of them. Then when I received them and I saw it the tug on my soul was stronger but it was holding it in my hands that completed the bond with my soul. Also puting inbetween my breasts amplified the emotional connection. It really was an incredible experience. My wands are a part of me! I can connect to the universe and draw on healing energy and then by holding it heal myself and others. You should try it. Its a wonderful experience!_

I am glad you feel such a deep connection with something you love! I, however, am a Catholic; thus, I do not involve myself with such practices as using chakra wands. The Eucharist is the only source of peace and healing I could ever want ^^. God bless you for sharing your joy with me, though! 3

Minus three secret points from Slytherin.

Bubbles!~~~ Golden, at that :)

Oh, we'll just brightly tip off an authority—albeit a friendly one—that we're looking into something we shouldn't. No biggie! (eye roll)

See? Notice how not even Hagrid uses double negatives? He truly is best boy!

The Internet? Oh, right, you don't have that…

Maybe ask around a bit? Gee, not everyone is in on it, and you might find someone who's at least _heard_ of Flamel before. (smh)

Sweet Tarts chews are delicious. A gift to this world! I don't even mind the canker sore I have.

Is the problem that he's not a _modern_ or recent wizard?

I don't recall this part of the movie very well—only a vague memory of the name exists in my mind.

"A special note to enter the restricted section. I've been curios about it for a while now." Or, just…say "nothing" and get scooted away. Looking suspicious is _fine_ (eye roll). It's not that hard to get permission for stuff if you're trustworth—oh, wait, you're _not_ trustworthy as a student. You always sneak around and break rules!

Then _why_ did you tell Hagrid?! You already know he doesn't suspect Snape, _and_ he's not the best at keeping secrets when his guard is down. (facepalm)

?

So…they were slacking off.

That…sounds useful, actually. Is input from the pieces cheating?

They cared so little, they didn't even bother with verb tense agreement. At least they sent _something_ …now, that's family…Why _did_ they send anything, though? Was it fr decorum's sake? Force of habit? Oh, whatever. Never mind me.

Awww, how sweet! 3 Future mother-in-law, right there!

Oh, hush up, Ron. Maroon is probably your color, anyway.

Was it chocolate fudge?

Aww, Hermione! This trio is adorable! (hugs them all) Merry Christmas!

Aw, a family heirloom! It's easy to forget Harry family left him a massive fortune. Good thing the Dursleys likely don't know—they'd likely try to access it somehow.

"Nothing, Ron…just thinking about my dead father, that's all." ~Things Harry probably thought, but never said

XD They're adorkably funny. Weasley twins…no beating them.

Cheer up, Percy! No one thinks you're a lightning thief this year, since nobody can tke the twins' thunder ;)

Frog-marched XD

Chipolatas? What're those?

THICC, rich gravy…internet has ruined my once-sophisticated mind T-T

Why did I think wizard crackers the edible crackers paired with either soup or fine cheeses?

A bonnet? Dumbledore is more a loony than I thought…

An unnamed joke…"There once was a woman from Que…She said with a grin…too"

?! Who, magical or not, would put a SICKLE in pudding? Even the _food_ in Hogwarts is dangerous…Yeesh.

It is not Percy's day, is it?

Drunk teachers…Hagrid X McGonagall…What the heck XD? I'd like to peer into Rowling's mind at this point?

Pfft, poor Harry. Made a lame first impression on his new chess set, did he?

"Use it well" Harry: …I can break rules with this!

*gets his father's cloak* *goes out that same night and risks having it confiscated if he's caught*

At least he's smart enough to know how the cloak works…

"Maybe it only shows dead people" Oooh, sick unintentional burn from Ron Weasley X,D

Ron, don't you have any dead ancestors? Grandparents, great-grandparents, etc.?

"So, you saw your dead family, and you failed your objective. Bacon?"

Woah. Obsessed much? Can't be blamed, though. Imagine the longing…I've ever wanted anything the way he must want to see his parents, even if just in a mirror.

That, right there, is the danger of the mirror. Note how the two friends were squabbling to look in it again.

She probably smelled them.

Can't believe I'm saying this, Harry, but Ron is right.

Again, the danger of the mirror: obsession

I saw a theory on this once. Dumbledore T-T

Scabbers *narrows eyes suspiciously* Greedy little rat.

"Memory, all alone in the moonlight…"

Those were probably memories from your infancy triggered by the sight of your parents. Keep an ear out for that cackle, Harry. It may belong to You-Know-Who (Voldemort).

Did they tell her about their procrastination? I mean, I procrastinate…but I also don't…

I'm thinking of my Hufflepuff friend in real life. Should I root for Hufflepuff? I think I will ^^

Aww T-T Cinnamon bun Harry is back.

He was SAVING YOUR LIFE, Harry . You're just lucky Hermione accidentally stopped—You know what? Fine. Think of Snape as the bad guy, for all I care T-T

(nods sagely) Loss can breed humility—something many individuals like 'Mione need. (remembers learning that lesson) X-X

Oooh, sinister~ A teacher becoming a referee for a school sport~ (ghost noises)

Ron XD

How much did he hear?

At least Neville remembered the password this time…

Aw, Hermione. Such a motherly heart. The boys XD. I'd probably laugh _and_ help.

T-T

Hey! _I'm_ a Slytherin!

A breakthrough!

:O

Hm, come to think of it…all that trouble, and the answer was just on a collectible card they already had.

They seriously don't get it? If Flamel was an important name, that means he's involved somehow. If he's the only known maker of the Philosopher's Stone, that implies the sought-after package—the top secret thing people have been trying to steal—may very well be something important related to alchemy. If that's the case, there is a _slight_ chance it could even be the Philosopher's Stone! It would be far-fetched, but not unfeasible, and it explains a lot about why it's so important.

Come to think of it, this discovery wouldn't have happened if they didn't comfort Neville by giving him a chocolate frog (Trevor's cousins in effigy). Plus ten secret points for Gryffindor (five for kindness, five for cleverness)! Minus ten secret points from Slytherin (five for verbal bullying, five for magical bullying).

"See?" Yeah—his wife is a couple years older than him, and we have a clue to Dumbledore's age, if they're peers. Oh, and the Philosopher's Stone, yep. I think that could be what the dog's guarding, don't you?

Just as I said. Still, _must_ is a strong word. Plus, we don't know Snape's motives. Why _would_ he want it?

Hm. Slytherin's team must be pretty darn good, if they were champions for seven years with _fair_ referees. They need to work on fowls, though.

Heh heh…funny you should think that…

Get grippy gloves for yourself, if you're so nervous.

Bickering like an old married couple ;)

Don't let him get to you.

Hey, Draco. I'm trying to watch the game. Are you rich because money appears when you open your mouth?

*sees Harry distracted from the mirror* *mentions the mirror*

Well, a teenager did just speed past, barely missing him. Plus, it was a short game for his first refereeing experience.

Did he not wonder why Ron had a nosebleed? XD

Beech wands…Also, Winnie the—hang on, he's illegal somewhere. Better not risk it.

HA! HA! HA! It looks as if Snape was intimidating a harmless new professor into doing something awful XD XD XD

Pfft, so many things wrong with Ron's list of things to celebrate XD

Ron XD

Don't tell me they're going to give Quirrell a pep-talk O.0 Don't do it! You're too effective (Exhibit A: Neville)

Poor Hermione is stressing herself out too much.

Um…they do realize they could "study" by watching her studying routine, do they not? That should make them *more* relaxed, not less.

-_- Hagrid. You're great, but you're terrible at hiding things from these kids.

Don't they realize they could get Hagrid in trouble like this?

*receive waning to shut up about it* *keep talking about it*

It pays to have older brothers sometimes. Well done, Ron.

Mm, I wonder how stoat meat tastes…could it be like rabbit?

Listen. To. Hagrid. Kids.

Draco Malfoy…Don't you dare…I'm warning you!

Awww 3 I want one now! 3

Don't. You. Dare.

Good idea, Harry! Finally, you get a good idea! Good boy!

"How are you, little buddy? Sure, I can smuggle the dragon! Meet some unnamed friends Saturday at midnight so they don't get caught. Love ya!"

Bullies. They like holding strings, and they hold grudges.

Haha, McGonagall XD

Come to think of it…Malfoy was basically attempting what _they_ were doing, except they were the recipients, and he was only doing it out of spite.

Hi! We'll just haul off this illegal specimen. Just another day of smuggling ^^

…(FACEPALM)

Um…I would have believed it…not that I should point that out right now…(clears throat)

:O She is _harsh_.

(winces) eeee…

*helps family member, returns with sandwich and cookie* I wish I could help them somehow T-T *takes sorrowful bite*

Come on, lay off them .

Hey, are people forgetting two others were involved? On his own, Harry only lost fifty for Gryffindor.

Mhm, sure you have. *sigh* Ifeel too sympathetic to berate you right now, though.

Ah, so at least he's not the only one bearing the burden.

It. Wasn't. Snape. I feel bad for Quirrell, but don't jump to conclusions again, Harry.

Ron, Hermione, don't encourage him. Shall I turn you guys in? Is that what it will take? STAY OUT OF IT.

All good points, Harry, very good points. Think of the trouble Hagrid would get in.

Good, Harry. Stand your ground on this.

…What kind of task will this be? I would suspect some kind of groundskeeping work.

He's just scaring you. No way they'd let a teacher *try* to get you hurt.

See? Hagrid'll protect you. Filch isn't even doing the punishing.

Haha! That's our Hagrid: sweet, but he knows when to put his foot down.

Man up, Draco.

If Fang is a coward…why'd you put two scaredy cats with him? I would've sent Hermione with Draco and Fang, then taken Harry and Neville.

Ronan XD

What does Mars mean if it's bright?

Oh -_-

Harry XD

Draco -_-

Hagrid and Snape: two teachers not afraid to call students dumb XD

Send up green sparks, now.

I know who that is~

Draco!

Harry :O

Phew. Thank you, kind centaur ^^

Firenze…nice heart, nice hair, nice eyes, nice name

:O Firenze…you advanced the plot! (hugs him) Now Harry knows…

Stop blaming Snape! Did that loo like Snape to you?

The centaurs never said what was written in the stars—they only refused to interfere. For all you know, they didn't want to interfere with your victory, or maybe (remembers something about Harry)…Never mind.

Hm, someone found the cloak and returned it to you…I don't quite recall who that was? I have my suspects.

Why don't more things have Anti-Cheating spells, or why aren't those quills used more often? It's a school…

Pretty is such a subjective term…why not points specifically for color, material, or level of detail?

"Yeah, our friend could be murdered any day by the most fearsome dark wizard of our time…but these exams are gonna be so hard!" (smh)

Wouldn't…wouldn't being so near the surface kill a giant squid? They're large deep-sea creatues, aren't they?

*opens book upside down*

Pft, Ron XD. A pessimist with a positive attitude.

It's a bit of a stretch…but if looking into it relieves you a bit, then rightey-o. Allons-y.

Psst…wanna buy some dragons? I know a dealer.

:O In all fairness, though, I would've suggested McGonagall as a backup, anyway.

He let them off the hook…

Snape . XD XD

At least Harry has his priorities straight.

(sigh) If you can't beat 'em, their lives are about to be endangered, and you care about that, join 'em.

I don't think academic performance will outshine obstinate disobedience, life-threatening activities, and attempted robbery.

That's not suspicious at all (rolls eyes)

I picture Lee Jordan as being tall, lean, and long-armed, like a lot of basketball players…

Plus ten secret points to Gryffindor for Neville's bravery.

Ron, you're a jerk. Wanting to kick an innocent cat, honestly, c'mon!

She let them off the hook this time.

Peeves XD I wonder why he respects the Bloody Baron so? Fear factor, perhaps.

That was so sweet of Harry T-T You'll need backup.

Orpheus reference?

How did they miss each other?

"ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?" ~Best Ron moments

I wasted time wondering when Snape and Hermione were ever at a plant .

Ron XD


	10. 1 Chapter 10

"Shut up, I'm trying to remember how to kill it," ~Hermione quotes

I remember this part of the movie—I thought it was so pretty!

…Birds?

I knew it! I thought my memory glitched, or the movie lied again!

I want a pet key now T-T

Good job, Ron! You should become a locksmith ^^

Rainbow? So, is my memory faulty, or did the movie lie to us all?

Poor key T-T Do keys feel pain in their wings?

-_- Ron will never win the Quidditch Cup, will he?

Ouch (wince). Poor key. Why are they all cheering? Yeah, they got it and all, but…Ouch.

Aw T-T I want to cuddle that poor key.

Now, who cast which spells again? The plant room was obviously Sprout, I have a feeling the keys were McGonagall…was the chess room Dumbledore or Snape, by any chance? I forget the other teachers who worked on this Dante's Inferno-style setup.

Slenderman?

Ron is actually…smart…

So, they actually *took the places* instead of climbing aboard. Interesting…

This Ron is so much more…Well, he's _cooler_ than in the movies! This is great!

Ah, _that_ makes sense. Thank you, Hermione ^^

I like the added suspense of Ron being knocked out and left behind. Was that in the movie? I dunno. Don't think so, anyway. COOL!

Poison?

Woah. Snape has some serious dramatic flair. I like his style!

Poison to the left of wine. Got it.

Don't choose the ones on either side, though they're not poisonous. Understood.

Neither the biggest nor the smallest hold poison. Capiche.

The second on either side are the same. Yes.

(draws on sticky note to try and figure it out)

If only I knew the size of each bottle. Then, I could try solving it.

My guess was the one on the left would take you back…Then again, I couldn't see the sizes .

They still assume it was Snape . -_-

T-T

Are the bottles self-refilling?

Sure, Snape. Make that whole riddle, but have the tiniest bottle be the answer. (slow clap) Very subtle.

"Like fire! Hellfire!..."

Haha! The truth comes out! Quirrell (points accusingly)!

Oooh, suddenly cold and sharp. I like it!

Haha! I knew it! Harry, you owe Snape an apology after this! Hermione and Ron, too!

Ouch. Poor Snape.

(nods) Yeah, I can understand why you'd say that, Quirrell.

Bonking it on the head, you mean? Or letting one guard the Stone?

Poor Snape. Between him and the key, I don't know who to feel worse for.

So it _was_ during his internship-experience!

RELATIVISM. The bane of all goodness and morality. The plague on our society nowadays, no less.

(cough) Marxism. The Marxist view on the world is based on those with power and those without. Overly simple, and a dangerous trail of thought, too easily breeding envy and power-lust.

Ah, so _that's_ why he didn't have the turban before…

Um…how would that have tipped you off?

He was strong enough for you to be scared of him, and he was strong enough to become some sort of parasitic Siamese twin face…thing.

Just like in the later movies. Serious nose-job he must've had.

Is Quirrell controlling the body, or is Voldemort strong enough to move his feet? Is he giving Quirrell mental hints as to where to go?

He's not tripping. It would be great if Quirrell could trip and fall flat on Voldemort's face.

The term "two-faced" keeps popping up in my mind…heh.

Blistering instead of crumbling…cool enough. Like grasping fire.

Haha, good one, Harry!

A toilet seat XD Those twins :)

How come the whole school didn't know the other secrets, if secrets obviously spread quickly? I think you, Ron, and Hermione told everyone.

He passed out, Dumbledore…

So proud of your little pig raised for slaughter, eh, Dumbledore? Guess he's just too useful for now, is that it? _

(nods sagely) Rest in peace, Mr. and Mrs. Flamel.

Finally, someone calls out the wizarding PC culture :P

Good Dumbledore. Always honest, and never makes promises he can't keep. (nods in approval)

(wipes tear) ^^

Aw, he was crying 3 Should I hug him?

I would resume this in another update after leaving for this long, but I'm on the last chapter.

How vigorously was he nodding?

He seems to have been giving Harry time to wipe his eyes. How considerate.

"happened to leave it in my possession" and "thought you might like it". Ha! Don't play coy, old man! You knew what was happening all along, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?

Respecc the professor, Harry.

. There's also another thing, but this is still sweet.

Going senile can do that sometimes. Also, cut out that false modesty, Albus!

Why do I keep thinking everything about book-Dumbledore is shady, when I trusted movie-Dumbledore unquestioningly? Age? Too many mystery books? Belief in his near-omniscence?

Book Dumbledore choked XD

XD Harry enjoyed them being "a very good audience" a little too much XD

Is Pomfrey not going to wonder about Hermione screaming?

After over six hundred years, would *you* be upset about death?

Good thing the queen didn't bash Ron's skull in too hard. That would've been lethal.

Funny…

That…that still doesn't sound like a good enough reason, Harry. Let me repeat what Hermione just said…

"Yep! Our headmmaster's a psycho who encourages eleven-year-old kids to fight dark wizards to the death their first year! Isn't he cool? ^^" (smh)

"So, thanks to us—mainly you—we lost to our sworn rivals, but you can't miss the food we'll have. ^^" (eye roll)

Aw, she gave them three times what she promised ^^. Dear Madam Pomfrey 3

Oh, this fruit punch is delicious!

Aw, she even straightens his candy boxes! She's so *sweet*! ^^

AWWWW T-T HAGRID! (holds him and starts weeping)

"I'm on a first-name basis with this guy, whether you're scared or not!" You go, Harry ^^ (thumbs up)

Lupin foreshadowing?

Aw T-T Another present from cinnamon-roll Hagrid T-T 3

T-T!

They must…actually not be that bad overall, to win so many years in a row…

Am I the only one feeling kinda bad for Slytherin? They had the decorations up, and everything…

"You're about to eat, so I'm gonna use 'old' and 'wheezing' in a sentence with 'waffle'!"

"Hopefully you're a bit less dumb…but you'll have plenty of time to get stupid again, so our anthem still applies!"

"It was a sickening sight" XD

Recent? It all happened more than three days ago. You should've awarded points then, instead of leading Slytherin on so long. Now a quarter of the student body will be glum this time…

Never mind for sacrificing himself to a massive statue for his friends -_-

Aw, his brothers are proud of him ^^ 3 3 3

Haha…spittin' fire with those wordplays, Dumbledore (thumbs up)

…Just sixty? JUST SIXTY? He literall faced Voldemort mano-a-mano, ad you only gave him ten more points than the others? Just enough for them to beat Slytherin, eh? And people call Snape biased. (smh) PLUS FORTY SECRET POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR, and minus twenty secret points from Dumbledore's payroll.

Aw T-T 3 NEVILLE! 3 Plus ten secret points to Dumbledore's payroll for acknowledging the underdog!

He did that so Neville could be the hero who gave his house the Cup…plus twenty secret points to Dumbledore's payroll for brilliantly giving Neville the spotlight he deserves!

Must've been a "sickening display" to Slytherin, at this point XD

For a second, I was surprised at Snape's sportsmanship…then the rest of the sentence explained everything XP Plus ten secret points to Snape's payroll for swallowing his pride, plus forty more for his struggles and valiance against Quirrell, plus twenty for doing everything despite hating his ungrateful students! ^^

Yeesh, guys. Kudos to Goyle for being more than just a meaty face.

TREVOR ^^!

What, so you could get the school in trouble when you "forget" that rule exists? ...Oh, I can't stay miffed with those twins for anything XP

Fred T-T

"Firs' years, follow me!"

Did they come across any nasty ones this time?

Do they all live in the Muggle world, or is that just a stop where their families go to take them back home?

Surely, the Dursleys wouldn't mind you leaving them for a while? A social life may be a blessing to th—oh wait, they just want you miserable, don't they? Ah, you can take them, anyway. Don't let them stop you from visiting, okay?

Other than next school year, you mean? Yeah, I get it ^^.

Fangirl. XD

Aw! ^^ 3

HAH! YOU'RE AMAZING, HARRY XD XD XD XD XD XD! SAVAGE HARRY IS BEST HARRY! I would ask him to send vids, but that's not a commonplace request yet XD

Um, nice details on the printing and binding of this book…

 **This was fun! I enjoyed conversing with you through this and sharing my random commentary. Keep a lookout for my thoughts when I read** _ **Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets**_ **for the first time! Au revoir! Until next time~~~**

 **~J. Gemstone**


	11. 2 Chapter 1

Seven and twelve are Biblical numbers. *eats seventh of twelve pizza rolls*

*sips tea* I'm ready for the British!

Hang on, it has to download…Here we go!

Dang it—out of pizza rolls…I'm constantly eating when I read, aren't I?

Oh, dear. What happened? What are the Dursleys blaming you for this time, Harry?

Um…he and the owl will get out of your hair, for once? How is it *bad* if Harry keeps his snot out of your lives? Send him to the Weasleys forever, and ya won't have to see him—or wizard stuff—again. (smh)

How classy -_-

Ew . He sounds like worse of a blob than in the movies (gag)

Magic word XD Oh, Harry…Was that intentional ;)

You're the abnormal ones. Isn't a turn of phrase like that a good means of detaching himself from the real "'M' word"? Muggle? (smirk)

Winded rhinoceros…mmmmust be better-looking than Vernon, that's for sure.

*abnormal. The word is "abnormal".

Aw, he's homesick T-T That, or maybe the sight of his cousin subconsciously grosses him out to the point of being sick..."a sickening display"

Wha—he SAVED YOUR LIFE last semester! (mutters) Ingrate…

Nice recap of the game, Rowling. Concise and memory-jogging. Remember Harry nearly eating the Snitch, or almost crashing into Snape? Good times.

His old bedroom, you mean?

More shameful than not doing homework? I lowkey wish the Dursleys would lock *my* stuff up .

Poor Hedwig! Is Vernon not worried people, namely wizards, would come check on Harry if he doesn't correspond with them? Such a counter-productive family…weirdos (no offense, Harry).

Vernon had a *black* mustache?

No wonder Hagrid's pig spell didn't work…unless it did, and his porkishness is slowly becoming more pronounced. Nah!

His mother's eyes, his dad's everything-else. ~my description of Harry …Plus a scar and glasses—nerdy and edgy at the same time!

(ghost noises)

Love…just like Dumbell-door said T-T

Maybe it was shame at failing to kill a baby? "U nu, I failed…waah~*disappears*"

I keep reading "He was brought up by his dead mother" O.0 Elric brothers? No, different scenario…

…and it made an exact, lightningy shape. You survived a blow to the head 'cause God wanted to punish us. Now, shut up and get in the cupboard!

Oi! Remember that nickel last Christmas? Tch. (mutters) Ingrate…

You'll have to release the owl to stop the hooting, Dursley.

Harry has the best job. This all sounds so cringeworthy and fake, the master-builder will not make the deal with him if he sees the forced nature of this "charming" family…unless he does business with people he can't trust to be straight with him, or has a bad judgement of character.

I remember I never really understood this whole sitch. I thought it was just an ordinary visit, but it was a high-stakes dinner party...oh, well.

Because scheduling every minute of an event _definitely_ works…they'll be _so_ impressed. (rolls eyes)

I'd be disgusted to take that arm (gag).

Better that than being part of that circus, buddy. It's beneath you…literally, once you're upstairs! :P

(facepalm) I don't blame Dudley for lacking enthusiasm, to be fair.

Are they seriously going with that one? (points finger-gun at own head, hesitates, points it at Dursleys, gives up and slams head onto desk)

What if she doesn't want coffee? What if he wants some, too? Wat if he wants to talk drills sooner? Later? What if they want a tour? What if Hedwig hoots again, and they want to see the owl? What if false flattery doesn't impress them? What if he decides the deal just isn't good enough, despite whatever personal impressions you leave?

They might leave you, Harry…which would actually be nice, unless they want to keep you locked up in Majorca as their slave, far away from Hogwarts…hm, maybe sabotaging the dinner would be good for you…

Should've prepared those ahead of time, Dursley.

Lucky! He doesn't even have to clean anything! It's like they don't want his wizarding cooties anywhere!

Hang on a sec *gets mini cake from downstairs* Happy Birthday, Harry! Wait…you're fictional and can't transport the cake through realities. T-T Happy Birthday, anyway, Harry! ;P

What about Neville? He hung with you guys a lot, too, didn't he? A fair amount, anyway. Neville ^^!

T-T Do they think he's dead?

*ahem* You mean, _again_?

It would be faster to roll, probably. XD

T-T To be fair, I forget my friends' birthdays, too. I'm working on that. But…they likely didn't forget! You nearly died together, after all. T-T

I can imagine that. XD Maybe I should write a short fanfic about Draco Malfoy visiting Privet Drive at this point, and them having a sort of frenemy dynamic which they silently agree never to mention again once school rolls around . XD

Face-to-face-to-face, you mean (Quirrell ;P)

What? But that was the highlight of your whole year! Your near-death exper—I mean, adventures—are the only reason you get to go back each year for sequels!

His stutter…No, wait, that was Quirrell's chosen façade.

A cat?

How are his trousers slipping? Better yet, how can he breathe? Oh, yeah, and…HE WAS BLONDE?

Child abuse, Rapunzel-style!

What would've happened if Harry accidentally wound up saying a real spell? Would hilarity or tragedy ensue? Either way, satisfaction would be certain. ^^

Wow, he's fast.

"savagely" Savage Harry is still best Harry, even when that's definitely not what the book meant by "savagely". Similar story with "lolled", even though a lolling Dudley LOLing is "a sickening display". I imagine his ice cream is a vanilla cone, by the way, though I prefer mint chocolate chip in a bowl myself. Any ice cream should be insulted, since Dudley's featured eating some.

Aw, she bothered to feed him anything at all! Now, that's family 3

She could've just made him take it to his room with him. No dishes are required for bread and cheese, and it's not like she vacuums there.

DOBBY! ~ I actually hated him in the movie, so why am I so happy? I know he's some kind of cinnamon bun, that's why! Let's see if he's just as irritating here,though…

It was Dobby. He big green eyes belonged to Dobby.

Just as rehearsed. (slow clapping) Brava, Dudley (eye roll)

Aw *pouts*

AW! T-T

HE'S DEFINITELY MORE TOLERABLE HERE! HE'S THE MOST TOLERABLE A CHARACTER COULD BE! HE'S MORE THAN TOLERABLE—HE'S LIKABLE! T-T

Hiccoughing .

A very ugly doll XD

THAT'S why he did that! He accidentally insulted his masters and had to punish himself! That flew over my head as a kid—all I saw was him being loud and frustrating!

T-T Harry…you're so sweet and kind T-T (when you're not falsely accusing teachers, that is)

T-T!

Oooh, this part also made me semi-hate Dobby as a character. He can handle it, Dobby!

What else is new? -_-

Think, Harry, _think_. This house elf serves a cruel family. That much is clear. He's known this for months, as he just told you. When asking who's planning this, he cannot tell you directly. It must be either his family or someone connected closely with them. You'd think last year would've improved your deductive skills.

You can give him several hints of some danger, and he's oblivious for plot reasons…but mess with his mail, and suddenly Harry Potter is Sherlock Holmes. (eyeroll)

This. This was another reason to dislike him. Still, being older now, I know he was doing it to protect Harry…Even so -_-

Wait…did he have pockets, or was the pillowcase-shirt tight enough to hold the letters firmly? How did Harry not notice a protruding stack of letters on Dobby's chest, which would've been there if he was storing them in his shirt?

He could've just "given his word" and then broken it…but that wouldn't be the honorable Gryffindor thing to do, would it? *sigh* Plus, it would have set a bad example for people.

Sneak skills: activated!

Excuse me? What about American plumbers? Did you have American plumbers come do your pipes, were you in America when you met them, or was it just a funny joke you told? Now I kind of wanna hear it…

It was a pudding? I thought it was a cake .

That…that is some crazy efficiency, right there.

And yet, you sent a mail-owl straight into a room full of Muggles. Hypocrites. (smh)

:O

:O A literal prison cell :O

Aw, he still feeds his owl, too T-T Dobby, you should've let him take his chances. He's the _great_ _Harry_ _Potter_ , isn't he? Have a little f-*remembers the plan*…HAVE A LITTLE FAITH, will you?

Hagrid did it once. Maybe Dumbledore would send him again.

Dursleys. There is nothing normal about starving your nephew to prevent him from going to boarding school.

He probably would do that, tbh.

Why would the Dursleys be in a crowd of wizards?

Peter Pan? Oh, it's just Ron. Hi, Ron! Fancy timing!

THE TWINS ^^!

Precisely! ^^ Trust the Weasley twins to get you out of a jam! Weasley bros are the best, Ron included!

How are the Dursleys sleeping through this? Can I just…knock them out, to be sure they don't interfere? Is that possible? I want to use that frying pan Petunia had earlier.

They're amazing! I don't remember them going cat-burglar. Those twins really are the best!

Exactly! This guy gets it. (to no one in particular) This guy gets it!

"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!" ~Hedwig

So, who would be legally accountable as kidnappers? The guardians who locked him up in a prison-like manner, or the teenagers who flew-drove off with him?

Nice one-liner XD "See you next summer!" LOL

Hm…(strokes chin) Could be a joke, or…Hm…could someone really have sent him? Surely, Dobby was acting on his own…Wasn't he?

But at least Draco isn't a fat, disgusting blob.

You didn't even know a house-elf when you saw one, Harry. How would you know if Draco has one?

Hm…

Hm…what's up with Percy? A girlfriend, a problem, or some combination of the two.

Like…a car, for example?

I knew it! He's a rogue, just like his sons!

Ottery? A place with otters? Ottery?

I…didn't know there was a Saint named Catchpole…

Such a graceful landing…hope the car appreciates it while that lasts.

"There once was a crooked man, who lived in a crooked house…"

XD

XD

(winces) Mum's rage…eee…

XD

She gets mad, but she lets go once the moment is gone, and she doesn't hold it against Harry. Good mom. ^^

XD

Witching Hour? O.0

So…if they were just a little more patient…it would have been over after Friday?

I'm sure most witches would fancy him.

The Weasley home gets more and more charming! ^^

Best description of lawn gnomes, given to us by Ron Weasley. Maybe _he_ should write a book.

Troll heads = coconuts, gnome heads = potatoes. Got it. The internet would have a field day with gnomes. (smh) missed meme-opportunity.

XD

Aw ^^. Their dad sounds sweet! The Weasleys are the best family in the series!

Poor guy .

He just got home T-T

XD

His reaction XD

Did literal sparks fly from her eyes? Can never tell with wizards…

Did she really? Can never tell with wizards…

FANGIRL.

Ron Stoppable

Eee. Thinking about stepping into a pue-orange room…My eyes…they hurt .

(sigh) this is about the time I planned to do my homework…I should have done it last week, when I had the chance, so I could keep going tonight, with stuff I actually care about…oh, well T-T Goodbye for now.


	12. 2 Chapter 2

I like books, so I made a trip to the library.

*opens book* Woah, the illustrations are perfect! Well done, Jim Kay.

 _Whoooo hoo! I'm very happy that you did this fanfiction. I'm really looking forward to your next commentary!_

I'm happy I made it, too! Looking back at it, my mind is more random than I initially thought, haha XD. Perhaps I ought to write a commentary on the commentary, once the seven books are done.

 _hehe hilarious!_

Glad you like it ^^ I noticed you on another of my stories, too, but your PMs are turned off, so I'm glad I made this commentary a conversation. Thank you so much for your support! Your enthusiasm sparks my enthusiasm!

Now, on we go. There's a nice little ribbon for bookmarking. Orange, like Ron's room ^^.

"CANYON CANNON!"

We have stories about crazy wizards, they have stories about crazy Muggles. I say, do both!

Frogspawn .

(eyeroll) I hardly even care anymore, Scabbers.

Self-shuffling. Sounds useful. I stink at shuffling, unless it's out of bed.

What the heck? That quickly? Isn't there a more permanent method of de-gnoming, like killing th—(sigh) the Slytherin stereotype _does_ have some ground to it, I guess…(heh, ground)

"This is the best house I've ever been in" Aw ^^ 3

XD I like the naggy mirror. Still, how do _you_ know what's "strange and unexpected", Harrold?

"It's quiet…too quiet"

What are they doing in there? XD I love those twins…Those twins T-T No! Live in the present, Gemstone!

Aw! T-T ^^ /3 3

Well, yeah, you _were_ starved for a while at the Dursleys'. I'd make you eat fourth helpings, too!

"Fascinating" I keep thinking of Pleakley saying that. "Fascinating~"

Yep. We've come a long way from banging rocks together and rubbing twigs. Let me tell you about these cool things called "pencils"…

She's a shy fangirl . Cute!

Imagine how embarrassing that must be for Ginny, though…knocking things over in front of her crush. She must think she seems clumsy, poor girl .

'Tis the East, and Juliet is the Sun.~ (except, you know, Ginny would in the be West, as the _setting_ sun)

Wouldn't Ginny also have a letter? Where's her first-year letter ("Firs' years, follow me!")?

Lockhart, Lockhart, Lockhart…All the books are Lockhart's except, like, the first one.

Let's just appreciate Lockhart's gift for alliteration, at least. _Break with a Banshee, Gadding with Ghouls, Holidays with Hags_ (QUIRRELL!) _, Travels with Trolls, Voyages with Vampires, Wanderings with Werewolves,_ even _Year with the Yeti._ This guy just churns out snazzy titles—he should get rich off of that!

(snickers) You keep thinking that, Freddy old boy.

Freddy Krueger

Miss Marmalade

T-T Lockhart, you jerk.

She must look like a lil' flameball, or a veggie of some kind.

Maybe Harry can chip in! Just a little? He's wealthy enough, and some books shouldn't drain his family fortune…right?

I just realized Ginny married into a rich family O.O How did this sail over my head? She'll never have to worry about financial need again! ^^

Tank top? Knitted tank top? Tank top? It—it must be a vest-type thing, right? No way a tank top is "dressed" now…(sigh) I hate changing vocabularies over time. I just see Percy Weasley dressed fully, robe and all, except with a tank top instead of a shirt, like a bum. Where's that naggy mirror when we need it?

:O Poor, scraggly owl…what kind of shape must it be in to look like a feather duster?

Errol . Cute, but a bit sad, too.

Ron…Don't. Diss. The owl.

Run on sentences, Hermione. This is proof Hogwarts doesn't teach English grammar. (smh)

She doesn't even have her new books, and yet she's "very busy" with schoolwork? (smh) Summer classes? Extra credit? What sort of trickery did you pull, 'Mione?

There should be a comma before "and George"

Twinkle, twinkle, little star. / How I wonder what you are! (hums the song)

…How? How can Ron's broom—hang on. Weasleys give hand-me-downs, as families with many children often do to save money…but Ron has so many older siblings…that Shooting Star could be an artifact! Ron, keep it somewhere—it could be worth something eventually!

It must've been a beautiful area—so many butterflies.

Muggle: Hey, what're you guys doing? Them: Sweeping.

The shame XD

Imagine if Fred and George could become Head Boys? They probs have it in them, but they're too rebellious to try for it, haha ^^

Scarlet letter on your name/I know I should be ashamed/But I gotta one-up you, baby (points at Percy) Ain't the only one actin' shady!~

He smuggled the dragon for you! ^^ (flashbacks) .

The Weasley boys like to go to exotic locations, it seems. Romania, Egypt…what's next?

Your banker brother should give your family some financial tips. By the way, do they get paid well? Do they ever send money back…or even contact you, like, _ever_?

(nods wisely) Wise decision, Harry. Your judgement seems accurate.

Took me a sec to realize he meant "escalators" XD Cinnabon Mr. Weasley ^^

T-T

Floo powder…sounds unsanitary. I imagined it black.

You seriously think they'd care XD? Your sons literally had to rescue him the other night!

Harry XD

Aw, Ron and his mother fussing over Harry is the sweetest thing! 3

Dye-a-gun Ullee

He actually was coughing on soot. That makes more sense!

I kept turning the page back and forth to ensue I didn't skip anything. "the rooms beyond" to "his bacon sandwiches". The rest of the sentence cleared it up.

What kind of shop is this?!

Jack the Ripper would be in Candyland, if he entered this store.

He's better at flying than you, Draco. Don't pout so much.

-_- Do not insult Arthur Weasley, Mr. Malfoy…I doubt it would take much for the ministry to inspect a former Death Eater.

:O Your father is harsh about grades, Draco.

No excuses, Draco! That just makes you more annoying.

(glares at Harry)

He was about to break the "no-touchy" rule. You've been berated enough by your father, so count yourself lucky, Draco.

"the goods" Pffft, drug dealer Malfoy XD

Ah, so he was in the hood.


	13. 2 Chapter 3

I'm ready with a feast this time! (munches on pizza roll, affirms location of pie and banana, adjusts ninja mug) (opens book)

Ooh, poisonous candles? I like scented candles, but poisonous ones sound fascinating…

Nocturne…We will flyyyy, claim the sky,…

I know how you feel. It's like asking "Where am I?" or "How do I get to x-location?" and someone responds with gibberish. Then I just think "I asked because I have no clue about this area. Names don't help, I need _directions_."

Poor witch. If she wasn't about to troll or kidnap Harry, then she was just trying to help.

I CAN EXPLAIN!

Ouch. Didn't have to be so gruff T-T (gruff, scruff) She probably was selling those nails…or about to use them for something.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! MY NAILS! MY NAAAAIIIIIIILLLLLLLS!

Darn right he is, hangin' out with that…oh, you meant his appearance.

That would've made him more a mess XD.

Haha, turned the question right back at him. Sassy Harry.

The school cabbages XD. Why is that funny?

So, the only place to buy pest posion/repellent is the dodgy place. Got it. I'll start a wizard garden so I have an excuse to go gawk at the weird murderous stuff all over there.

How "flesh-eating" are the Flesh-Eating Slugs, exactly? Are they like pirahnas or do they just slowly digest your flesh and wear it away, like…I dunno, flies? Are they like venus fly traps, not harmful to humans?

T-T

That would've been epic!

"bushy, brown hair" Just like me when it's humid.

Haha, those twins XD

XD They're jealous of Harry! Curiosity runs in the Weasley family like red hair!

Mommy . Mrs. Weasley is the best mother—I love her because she reminds me of my own parents.

If you can do that with magic, why not find a magical cure for his eyes? Harry, you should find a clear-vision potion or something when you learn more!

Why would wizards need glasses? I…I'm having a crisis over this…

It's gotta be better than lasic…how is such a remedy not available? Did they never think of this?

If I develop a spell or potion to cure poor eyesight, I could become rich in the wizard world. Entrepreneurial opportunity awaits! Somebody, please take it!

Reminds me of Butler…

Mr. Bor—oh, those two.

XD Arthur

It's…kind of his job to go after them, isn't it? If he learns of something, he will have to do it no matter the danger. It's his duty.

Muggles can go to the wizard world, too? This makes me both happy and disillusioned at the same time!

XD "Molly, look!" XD He's like an excited kid XD So cute!

Wait, it just hit me…we SEE HERMIONE'S PARENTS. HARRY AND THE WEASLEYS MEET THEM AT GRINGOTTS. This is cool. I wonder if Lily and Petunia's parents went there at one point? Did Petunia? Maybe that explains her fixation on normality and her jealousy a touch more.

. Awkward…I had a feeling it would be that way.

They literally just withdrew all their savings for school supplies! :O Weasleys T-T

Lee Jordan is back! Basketball player, haha!

Second-hand…out of real necessity T-T

Can you afford that? . I'm sorry T-T

Why would Harry want to return there? Of course, Ron…HANG ON.

Ron isn't that much of a scaredy cat! He's not so adverse to danger? What? He was excited at some point in the first book, too…Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious.

I'm—having another crisis. Ron. Not a sniveling Scooby Doo figure. Oh. My. Goners. :O

I have to pause for a moment…Ron…the world is upside down…

(slaps self in the face) Snap out of it! Keep reading.

Ah, she shouted at the twins…Even so .

Haha…me when I get my allowance. To a tee.

Strawberry and peanut butter…Eh. I have a friend who'd like it, some friends who'd be weirded out, and one friend who might die if I give it to her. Me, personally…I'm down for that, though my skin wouldn't thank me.

At least Hermione is focused.

Is Percy secretly a Slytherin?

Yep, he's a Slytherin now.

I keep forgetting the Weasleys are a pureblood family…how is Percy not in Slytherin? Was he like Harry? ("Not Slytherin, not Slytherin…")

(sigh) (eyeroll) Even the title is obnoxious.

Mhm, I think you'll find the reason for that soon enough.

Ew . It's like middle school fangirls, except they're all middle-aged.

Aw . Mrs. Weasley s a fangirl, much like Ginny.

He was wearing a pointy hat XD

He…he does sound kind of handsome, in a cliché (word I must not use) type of way.

How irritable can he be if he's dancing ;P (I know—not literally)

XD Famous

XD XD XD

(sweetly) Only together? Not you on your own? (deadpanning) You're too modest, Lockhart.

You need a better business-handshake, Harry. "Firmly grasp it", as Patrick Star would say.

Did Harry smile, though?

X,D

Hm?

I flipped back to check the list. _Magical Me_ was not on it. I doubt he was going to buy the _one_ book of yours he needed _least_.

Oh, so that's nice. You saved Harry the trouble of buying your books.

I was thinking of a similar course of action. To his own fangirl, no less! Good Harry! ^^ 3

Malfoy? Yep, the one and only Draco Malfoy.

(eyeroll) It's not like he asked to be the center of attention. Besides, _Professor_ Lockhart had no trouble stealing the show again. You want fame? Try earning it, or surviving a murder attempt from Voldemort. Maybe a snazzy scar can help.

What, and you don't? You really are jealous of him XP.

Well, Draco _did_ just embarrass his sister _and_ his best friend. Ron has every reason to look at him that way.

:O _**Draco!**_

Sick burn, but uncalled for. He's improved at bullying since the previous year.

:O You're one to talk! How much did Voldemort pay you to be his lackey?

:/ Don't. Insult. The Grangers.

Mr. Weasley is like Ron, except with parental authority.

Those twins XD I'm wheezing! XD

I'm somewhat torn between the twins' reaction and Mrs. Weasley's reaction.

Hagrid! :D

The real best dad—he's been solving everyone's problems that day!


	14. 2 Chapter 4

Well, he's not far off…but they're not dating _yet_.

Excrement?

Oooooh, burn. Malfoy is savage now, isn't he?

Ouch.

The dads XD

:O

:( Do not diss the Grangers, Mr. Malfoy.

XD

XD

:(

Yeah, Hagrid's right…(mumbles) even if it was amusing…

Cause now we got bad blood,/ Take a look what you've done…/I don't remember this song…

Are they afraid of the Malfoys or of Mrs. Weasley?

Lockhart XD The most likable blond celebrity ditz in the wizard world.

Oh, come on. Let the guy learn from the Muggles. You see, Mr. Weasley, the bus travels along a set route, and usually one pulls a cord to ring a bell and alert the driver of the bus—called the bus driver—of one's intention to get off at the nearest allotted stop, typically marked by a special sign by the street. The bus driver will also stop at the assigned points along the route if he or she spots people waiting at the sign, because that typically means they intend to board the bus.

Try not to choke on it again, Harry ;P

Aw! My heart!

Oh, my gosh…wizards can just conjure up food, then? In that case, this makes Malfoy's roast earlier completely stupid! Shame on you, Draco! What a disappoi—I mean, what a dummy.

Aw, she even figured out Harry's favorite foods!~ This is the family Harry was meant to have ^^

I like hot chocolate with a small piece of cheese melting in the cup with it. Not from a slice, mind you, but from a little block. Mm, peppermint hot chocolate is also delicious…What kind of cocoa do you like? ("Remember me…")

? She didn't think to set those up beforehand? After being in a large family for so long? Tut tut, Mrs. Weasley XD

Careful with the chicken! Poor chicken.

Couldn't he just make the trunk float? Muggleboo…Mugboo? What's a weaboo directed at Muggles?

Ford Anglia…I want to look up pictures of it. Was that a real car model? It reminds me of "angel", which fits nicely with it flying.

XD

"You'd never know it was this roomy from the outside, would you?" XD XD XD!

Mr. Weasley made a TARDIS.

XD Why are they going back for the fireworks? Are they encouraging George to cause mayhem?

Fred XD

This is so much like my family, and I love it.

XD! Ginny, maybe you should just forget the whole "keeping a diary" thing. Overrated.

They lasted longer than anyone in my family would have, at least :P.

I can picture him pouting slightly when he says "Molly, dear—"

The internet would ruin this little dialogue. Protect the Weasleys.

Yeah, how did that work? Ah, wait…psychology. You know those videos where people are scrambling around, doing whatever, and most of those watching for a certain detail miss the dancing bear or whatever other weird thing goes across the screen? I'm guessing it's like that: most people aren't looking for wizards smashing into pillars and disappearing, so they don't notice. If anything, they'd rationalize "Someone's in a hurry" and assume they lost sight of the wizards.

(evil smile)

(trying not to laugh) Better you than anyone else, eh, buddies?

PETA would like to know your location ;P XD

Maybe the clock was slow…Or DOBBY :O Dobby did it, right? Woah, tough yandere-mode!

Wrong! They gave you a nickel last Christmas :D

It sounds like you know the law real well, Ron -_- Besides, I wouldn't count this as an emergency, as it is not life or death, and your parents may find a way back to you so you'd only be a little bit late to school. Getting to Hogwarts EARLY would be an emergency.

Harry's mind: Yeah, let's break the law and enrage your mother again!

He said "can you", not "would you". CAN you fly it? CAN.

Is no one going to ask where these kids' parents are? Will anyone stop to help these boys? Is no one even going to compliment them on their cosplay? It's like when someone trips on a crowded sidewalk—the more people there are, the less likely it is for anyone to help.

I like wearing boots…I also like buttes…the pictue here is a beaut…

You say that AFTER tapping it with a stick to open the trunk _and_ stuffing your presumably huge luggage into it without a problem?

Wonder Woman would be jealous…her jet doesn't turn its passengers invisible (unless they changed that—I'd be upset if they did, since it was comical).

Go above the clouds and use the Sun to—Never mind -_-

Oh, okay! For a second, I thought either there wasn't a compass aboard or you didn't know your cardinal directions.

Eyes on the sky, Ron.

"hot, bright sunlight" That sounds horrid to me: baked like a pie and blinded. Heck, I go blind on cloudy days and feel like passing out if the heater in my room is on too long!

Harry…you already "borrowed" a car. You don't need to stuff your face with that toffee, on top of your current offense.

Harry's teeth will rot someday. I'm calling it right now.

Mhm. Because Fred and George will be right there when you land, and Ron will ail his first landing. Remember the key chamber?

(facepalm)

Pumpkin juice? That sounds nice. I'd like to try some.

"the only way to travel", huh? :P

I wonder if you could, like…land on the train and shrink the car before climbing in. That would be cool, but perhaps beyond your abilities.

At that point, Ron shoudn't have floored it. As they neared the edge of the lake, Ron should have eased up on the gas and gently lowered altitude, basically coasting. It may have still broken down when it did, but the crash would not have been so horrendously sudden.

(facepalm)

Can you blame it?

It had voice command?

The tree is angry with you. The car is angry with you. The owl is angry with everyone.

Yeah? Well, _you_ nearly killed _it_. Shouldn't have beaten it with your wand at the end.

Where…sorry, had to pause for a sec…what was I about to comment?...(rereads) Oh, right! Where _was_ Scabbers this whole time? And…Scabbers (narrows eyes suspiciously) (this one's getting old, but I keep remembering the trend, so it keeps being a prominent thought, so I have to put it down or there's no peace until I do).

Fred and George will have a riot over this XD. Will they ever let Ron outlive it? We'll just see…

 **OUTLIVE!** T-T

Good. You can sneak in unnoticed while everyone's focused on something else.

Where's Ginny going? :D …I **would** ask if Rowling didn't _already_ lump all Weasleys _and_ important characters into Gryffindor -_-

You're probably sick of the sky at this point.

Gingers are soulless. My mother as a child was proof.

"Everybody wants to be cat/ because a cat's the only cat/ who knows where it's at."

Should be a comma after Ravenclaw. In a list of three or more, even the second-to-last object is separated from the "and" by a comma. It is in a list of only two in which there is no comma before "and".

I'm a Slytherin . You could've been my housemate, Harry. Plus, we would've seen non-evil Slytherins. At least this simple "Red good, green bleh" made it interesting and simple.

More like "Ron, Hermione, and everyone else we actually care about"

Woah, woah, woah. How is Hermione not mentioned? Only Harry and Ron, eh? What about Neville? He was literally the tie-breaker! Dumbledore went to great lengths for Neville to get the credit. Besides, _you_ nearly costed Gryffindor the House Cup.

Ooh, good color choice. It ought to bring out his eyes.

Hagrid: best drunkard boi

HE SAVED YOUR LIFE! :O How ungrateful can you be?!

I already talked about the "list of three or more" rule…it's ignored commonly enough so it goes unnoticed, but I pointed it out because the previous sentence it was neglected in included the name "Ravenclaw".

Huh? He played an instrumental role in protecting the school the previous year, and he's been around for years. Yeesh!

XD They deserve anything he dishes out to them. That opening line, by the way, was _brilliant_ XD

He's smiling and everything XD I think he missed punishing them.

No supper for you! Truly, Harry's would-be father (in his own mind, anyway) XD The personification of "friend-zone turned mourner"

Dark and empty…like his soul.

:O

XD He sounds like a father in this part XD "What have you done with the car?"

He probably gave you the benefit of the doubt until you thought about the car XP

:O

O.O

Of course you didn't—You break rules like an compulsion ever since last year .

Don't talk when an adult is scolding you, Ron T-T. It never turns out well.

For a second, I thought he meant house as in dwelling-place. Nope. Just school-group.

Phew. McGonagall will be merciful compared to Snape. Hey, guys, what's the worst trouble you remember getting into (if you don't mind sharing, that is)?

Parents. They are all parents. Every one of them is a parent.

(claps)

My thoughts exactly.

 _Hellooooo? Please update and don't abandon this!_

Huh. I was actually about to update when I saw that. More coming soon, okay? ;) I won't abandon this until I've read all seven books! Once the summer rolls around, there should be more frequent updates than what we've been seeing.

Should I get popcorn? I might get popcorn next time…ugh, but the butter would stain the book…


	15. 2 Chapter 5

_Ummm can you update soon please? I really like this story even though I'm basically the only one who reviews this. This fic is freaking HILARIOUS!_

*sheepish laughter* Haha…ha…sorry about that! ^^; Lemme just download that…Where was I? *looks through most recent chapters* Ah, here it is!

Parent-like teachers everywhere…

"Now she said it, it seemed the obvious thing to have done" No, really? I would never have thought of communicating with the school, Harry!

Pfft, burn from McGonagall XD Savages, all of them.

Pfft, Snape is happy. Incel is happy XD

XD

Oh, I know that feeling.

"Uh, so we kinda just found this flying car…so we hijacked it…dunno where it's from…Just found it…"

Cuz Dumbledore's cool like that.

QUITTER!

Bark!

McGonagall = dog

NAH NOT TODAY!

Oof.

Christmas had been cancelled XD

What if Snape wants them safe, or wants Harry out of sight?

Environmentalist?

"It's her job to deal with these rascals. Peace out! Let's go eat custard."

Venommm, venom venommm venom…

Eagle eye :D

Of course. *slow claps* Who would have ever guessed it?

Oof. Good point, Harry.

"Fine. But you're getting a timeout."

XD Family~

Wait…but what about Ron? He's in for it…Poor thing T-T

Aw, sandwiches 3

Pop? Or soda? What kind? Oh, wait…the sound effect. (I hate English dialects sometimes)

Ew, Ron. Don't talk with your mouth full *dabs napkin on his face* Oh, no…now _I'm_ acting like a mom *drops napkin* Wipe your own face!

*rolls eyes* Fred and George are better pranksters than you and they can actually fly that thing.

Plus, the protag was in there with you.

Yep. Clever.

The "that" shouldn't be there.

Fat? FAT?

Nyeh heh heh heh heh!

XD

That is absolutely ridiculous! They were not ExPeLleD! Huh? Well, how _else_ do you think they got here? Tch!

Wattlebird?

?

? XD XD XD

Legendary.

Fred and George have apt successors, lol

XD

Hermione and Percy: The lecture duo

Ahahaha, ditching punishment from peers XD

Woah, the signs change? They don't just switch rooms like we Muggles would have to?

Nice beds…how do I use a bed?

Seamus Finnigan! That's a person! I remember Finnigan…not what he did, but I remember the name Seamus because Freedom Toons!

Dean Thomas? I don't…darn it. T-T

Neville Longbottom is the only one whom I remember doing anything because NEVILLE deserves more credit in book one!

Ah, boys will be boys.

My brain is barely functioning right now, but I'll be back *remembers the time*…later today. Good night? Morning? Day? Ah, whatever. I missed this *shuts phone case*


	16. 2 Chapter 6

Right! I slept until midday, and I am eating a baked fish tilapia at…(clock says 4:21 PM) a minute past meme!

No, Kindle App. I know English well enough to not require your help.

I AM NUMBER FOUR

Of course are (eye roll)

What he lacks in neck, he makes up for in mustache.

A director? A director? How is he a director?

Ah, so they're a complementary couple. Even pricks can have true love.

*checks messages* Mm. *refocuses*

*takes bite of cereal I've been nursing since 1:30*

WRONG BOOK

*switches to Chamber of Secrets* .

Ohio

XD

That sums Neville up nicely :P

I wonder if he still has his Remembrall? Did he forget it at home? Is that what Gran is sending?

I read "screamed in" I can now picture owls screaming and streaming in. XD

Grey

IS THE BOOK OKAY?

Not the milk! T-T

Poor Errol.

Oh, Ron XD I had Hermione's reaction XD

What happens if he ignores it? Ignore it, just to find out, Ron!

Does it explode? :D I wanna see that!

*pouts*

Isn't that a dead giveaway the car was originally theirs? Ron, Harry, and Dumbledore went to the trouble of covering that part up, you know. Tch, Mrs. Weasley (eyeroll)

Woah. The Howlers are way more intense than in the movies…I LOVE IT! XD

"Here commmmes, the Crimson Chiiiiinnnnn!" (except it's a forehead)

XD

*lets cat out of room* I keep it locked out of habit and privacy.

O.O

Oh…so the ownership came out, after all. Oof. .

*pats their shoulders comfortingly* *keeps eating*

'Mione. Not the time.

T-T

Hufflepuffs! Say hi to my friends there!

Momione has some mercy, after all ^^

Greenhouse gases

Oh, the "dumpy little witch" as the punk described her in Book 1?

T-T Poor Whomping Willow T-T

Squat is better than dumpy, at least XD Some respect is in order, at last!

XD

"Immaculate" XD I think of "immaculate" as sinless, such as the Immaculate Conception (Virgin Mary)

-_-…

I wonder if he even knew what he was talking about.

Apparently, not XD

Pfft, hahaha! XD Lockhart is a likable, seemingly oblivious prick XD

Does he even realize how irritated she is? XD

?

Hang on…what? XD He's BLAMING HIMSELF for what? Being more famous, thus thinking Harry wanted to outshine him? XD XD XD

BAHAHAHAHAAAA! He thinks Harry wanted…after…AHAHAHAAAA! XD

He would be making sense, if that was actually the case…but AHAHAAAA! So full of himself, and tries to pull it off in the nicest way possible XD Proof that not all narcissists are bad people XD

AHAHAHAAAA! "Woah, there, muchacho. You'll get there, your near-death isn't ideal, but it's a _start_ …" I am ded XD

Pffft, hahaaa, Harry's reaction at the end XD Lockhart didn't even check to see if he went to Sprout's class afterwards XD

Ooo! It's a root with a dangerous, ear-piercing scream when exposed, correct? Did I get it right, Professor?

XD "as though she had swallowed the textbook" Maybe she did, in order to absorb the knowledge that way XD NEW TACTIC, RIGHT THERE!

Alright, I'm back now. *sips Mountian Dew* Now to work on another fanfiction! Until next time!


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